My dream world...

Waking up every morning is the anti- climax of my life, my dreamworld is where I want to be, its where I fit in, its my only escape. Today wasn't any different, I still woke up feeling like crap, shivering inwardly as I began the rituals of the day. I brushed my teeth, had a quick bath and skipped breakfast as usual. 'In ur face mum, who's skipping breakfast now?' I muttered under my breath. I passed the same people on the road, saying hi without even looking at them, liking this lot was as impossible as flying without wings. I pulled the ends of my jacket tighter together as I neared my office. 'Ms Parker, you shouldn't be walking...', the doorman started. I hushed him with a wave of my hand, my agent was going to give me the speech anyway. I became some what successful, after writing some shitty novel by mistake, apparently people really liked shitty stuff. I pulled out my ipod and stuck the little earphones in my ear as I saw my agent approaching. His lips moved while I listened to Alicia Keys. When he was through, he left me and I walked into my cold, dark office. It mirrored what and how I felt inside. I practically flung myself on the sofa and tried to force myself to sleep, it was all I wanted to do. Most people's nightmares begin when they sleep, mine begun when I woke up. I sighed when I realised that I wasn't going to sleep, sitting up I raked a hand through my hair and let the tears flow. All I ever wanted was a world where I fit in, where people genuinely wanted me, where I didn't have to cry or sleep to escape from my nightmares. I thought that fame and wealth would give it to me, but apparently it makes it worse. The pretense, the politics... It was all too much for me. I was not one of the tough ones who was born with steel around their heart, protecting them from whoever or whatever wanted to hurt them. I had no defense mechanism and it killed me a little everyday. I had the life most people wanted and didn't even want it. I wanted my dreams...

There's a stranger in my house?

I lifted my sweat drenched T-shirt and flung it carelessly into my laundry basket, sighing warily I moved ,as sluggishly as I could manage,to my dainty little kitchen. My eyes were fixed on the ground, it was an old habit I just couldn't shake off, so there I was clad in my jogging bra and my unusually baggy sweats,standing in my kitchen and staring at my dirty feet. I made my way around my little kitchen table, then I saw a pair of feet that weren't mine. At first I walked past, my brain not registering that the other pair of feet weren't meant to be there. I was in front of my archaic refrigerator when it hit me, there was a stranger in my house. I spun on my heel, even light would envy my speed at that moment, God knows I wasn't prepared for what I saw. I glared at the intruder willing my eyes to bore a hole through his head, but hey, this is the real world, we can only wish for stuff like that. My eyes asked silent questions which my voice box failed to produce. What are you doing here? Where were you all these years? How did you find me? Is Lindsey Lohan going to clean her act up? OK, that's besides the point... I just stood there like a dummy, this man was once my everything, I gave up everything for him and unless I was seeing ghosts, he faked his own death.
"I can explain," the low, husky voice that once rocked my world, filled every contour of the room.
I finally found my voice, and it was surprisingly calm,"I don't want to hear it, get out."
"Ridthi, Please..."
"Save it. Just get out, I can't handle this now, disappear, it seems to be your area of speciality." I winced at the harshness of my own words, I couldn't believe I was talking to Jerry like this. I made a mental note to hi-5 myself later on.
He was clearly as surprised as I was, because he just stood up and walked out,"I'll be back."
He didn't give me time to come up with a comeback, he just rushed out, I ran over to the window and watched him enter a black limo. A warm tear ran freely down my cheek, I tried my best to blink the rest back, but it was to no avail. Jerry was my half brother, he was older and wiser than me, that made it easy for him to dupe me of my entire trust fund and fake his own death.
I loved him like the elder brother I had lost to cancer, I looked up to him and I was devastated when I found out that he got kidnapped. I just found him, the 'bastard son' of my rich dad and a call girl. Of course daddy had denied him, but I was young, naive and determined to make it right. How stupid I was, smiling bitterly,I allowed my mind to take me further back in time. I emptied my trust fund and paid the ransom, only to hear that I was too late. There was an explosion, my life turned around that day, I alienated myself from the living members of my family and lived off a part time teaching job when I could have bought the school if I wanted. Now, 3 years later, he shows up on my doorstep, alive and well and still living off my trust fund... I sighed and wiped my tear soaked face, I picked up my cellphone and punched in some numbers..."Hello, daddy its Riri"...

Shadows

In the shadows, beyond where wandering eyes could find me, thats where I was, hidden within myself. No one knew much about me, only that if they were looking for a party, I was the chic to drag along. I spent my days building a brick wall around myself, to hide the troubled person within. On the outside, I was a fun-loving, sarcastic yet funny person. With this charade going on, no one bothered to look into my eyes and see the pain, the years of trauma even the loneliness. They were all satisfied with the person I was, and who could blame them? I was a doll. My brick wall was somehow huffed and puffed down eventually, it was all Martha's doing. She came along and shook people's lives up, soon enough, everyone was in awe of her-except me. In her I saw myself, and it freaked me out, so I avoided her, but not for long. I was working late on a tuesday night, there was a soft knock on the door.'Come in,' I mumbled dutifully. I was a little shaken when I realised it was her and even more shaken when she walked over to me and hugged me. Wrapping my arms slowly around her I hugged her back and searched my mind for any memories of when we became girlfriends. She pulled back and looked into my eyes,'Its me peaches'. How did she know that name? Fear and curiousity ran through my body. 'I know u probably won't recognize me without my red wig and my trademark whips,' tears shone in her eyes. My head jerked up, It couldn't be, candy was dead, I watched our pimp shoot her in the back as we tried to run away.Those bullets were meant for me, she pushed me out of the way and took them,'You got potential P, use it, now run!' My life was a lie after that, I tried to numb the pain, but every night I relived it. Words couldn't escape my mouth, I just broke down, I cried for the first time since that night. I didn't care how she escaped, all I knew was that there would be no shadows to hide in, no charades to put up with, just my sister and I free from the rotten world our mother created.

Using my derringer...

My mind screamed at me, begging me to stop, pleading with me to end this madness, but I couldn't, it was my turn to hit him, my turn to show him who's boss. I straightened the bed nervously and tried to lie down as suggestively and seductively as possible. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, wincing at the sharp contrast. It was like staring back at a stranger. My eyelashes were heavily coated with mascara, the smoky eyes I had done made me feel gothic. I had on some rose red lipstick and enough blush to make me look permanently flushed. Looking down at my lacy black lingerie, I couldn't help but compare myself to the women down at the local brothel. I gathered the ends of my robe and hugged myself, hoping to get some comfort out of my own embrace. There was a loud knock on the door and the door knob rattled non-stop, I gathered the ends of my robe around me protectively as I went to get the door. It was him, he didn't even give me time to fake a smile. He walked in, slammed the door closed and pounced on me. His mouth devoured mine, as he poured his saliva down my throat. I couldn't help but gag as he stuck his tongue in my mouth but he took no notice. My lingerie went un-noticed as he tore as it like an animal, leaving red marks on my milky skin. Soon enough he tore at his own clothes, revealing his slightly overweight and hairy body. I mumbled something about using the bathroom and rushed out before he could object. I hurried in and opened my cabinet, removing a derringer from it. I eyed the gun warily and leaned on the sink because my legs were turning to jelly. 'Are u asleep in there?!' He yelled. I took a deep breath and flung the door open pointing the gun at him. I smiled wickedly once I saw the smug grin on his face. Before he could mock me I pulled the trigger, hitting him in the neck. I watched as he sank to the floor, pure suprise written all over his face. Smiling sadly, I said,' Goodbye grand dad'. Then I shot him in the head.

Twisted stuff...

What is that smell? I thought as I held my breath, after a while I breathed out and almost puked as I inhaled the pungent smell once again. It started two days ago, but I didn't bother, our house and a pig sty had alot in common, but this smell was so strong, I had never smelt anything this bad. Mum was hardly at home and junior, my little brother was meant to be at my aunt's for the week. I had gone over to jessica's to study for our chem practical hoping to come back and meet the house in the same grubby but livable state I left it. I shrugged and raked a frustrated hand through my shoulder length curls, contemplating on whether or not to turn around and sprint to jessica's house. Mum would probably get home and solve the problem. A wave of guilt washed over me as I took the thought back, Mum worked two shifts, she didn't need a third one at home. Reluctantly, I stepped into the house and gingerly shut the door behind me. I hurriedly took off my 'save the planet' t-shirt and put it over my nose. I smiled to myself, it smelt really nice, just like jessica's house, coffee and a soft touch of jasmine. I made a mental note to make up loads of excuses to go back there. They actually cleaned their house more than thrice a year. I found myself walking up the stairs, the odour heightened, so did my urge to run out and escape from this hell hole. I pushed the door to the room I shared with junior open, it was just as I left it. So I moved on, the bathroom door was open, but that seemed to be clear too. That just left Mum's room, I shook my head and smiled to myself, she could get so careless sometimes, but I loved her. God knows I wasn't prepared for what I saw. A gasp of shock escaped my lips, I dropped my shirt on the ground then some steamy, stinky vomit on top of it. I just stood there staring at the masterpiece of horror, madness and craziness. I soon jerked out of my shock and ran out fast as my wobbly legs could carry me. Why would anyone chop my Mum to pieces?

Deadly choices.

You can't judge me for what you don't understand, I did what I had to do, I chose life... I'm what you would call an orphan, but unlike most orphans I knew who my birth parents were and to make matters worse, they still lived in town. My mum worked three shifts and still couldn't feed herself, my dad on the other hand was a wanna-be drug lord who despised the air I breathed. Neither of them wanted me, but thats okay, I didn't want them either. I was dropped off at the local orphanage before my umblical cord was well cut. Being as sarcastic and unpleasant I was, people never stopped reminding me of my screwed up parentage, at first it got to me, but I learnt to numb the pain. At age 7, Kim offered me a better life and I didn't look back. I ran away with her, I wanted a new life, I didn't know the new life would require me to take other lives. After the initial shock, I plunged myself into work, training and practising twice as hard. I pushed myself beyond the limit. Having no real parent figures, I turned to kim, she was my friend and instructor. 5 years ago she recommended me to an organization that tomb only the best, we didn't cry and hug at my departure, but our eyes screamed words we were too proud to voice. Today i finally get the chance to meet kim again, I glance at her picture, it is unmistakably her, there are lines on her face that weren't there 5 years ago but I recognize her proud poise. I feel something run down my cheek, I touch my cheek and glance at my wet fingertips. I'm crying, I haven't done that since I left the orphanage. I wish they were tears of joy, I wish I could say that I was happy to see her again. Kim is my next assignment. I take one last glance at the picture and put it in my breastpocket, close to my heart, I know what I have to do...

The end

I sat on the edge of the bed, the tears stung at my skin as the warm evening breeze blew over my face. The tears still rolled down my cheeks against my will, I dabbed at my raw skin with a clean tissue, it stung me so hard that I winced in pain, I began to dab harder, welcoming the pain as a punishment for what I had done. I honestly didn't mean to, I was only trying to set things straight yet I ruined it and in the process ruining my life. I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and slid off the bed slowly, I landed on the floor dragging the pack of kleenex with me, I felt the world spin uncontrollably around me. Closing my eyes tight, I remembered it all, the lies, the deceit, the chain of events that led to my loss. I got up speedily, steadying myself on the wall for a second. I rushed into my bathroom searching through my cabinet for an end to my misery. I found it, he left his sleeping tablets. I smiled through my tears, as I poured the pills down my throat, opening the tap I cupped my hands and took a few sips of water to wash the pills down. I didn't even bother turning the tap off, stumbling into my room I flung myself on my bed. I wasn't sure if the pills were kicking in or it was my mind playing games with me, but my eyes were too heavy to stay open. Well this was how it was all going to end, this was what you got once your husband found out that you were sleeping with his two brothers and his father... Especially if he found out from you.

A world of my own.

In a world of my own, thats where I was every xmas, the other girls noticed, Miss Gracia noticed too, but i didn't care. None of them understood, xmas was a period of festivities for them, a big tree, lots of presents, most girls got adopted during xmas too. My xmas was also haunted by a tree, the one my dad had driven into, the one that left my mother and little brother dead, the one that spared me and left me to fend for myself in the cruel world of an orphanage... Xmas was wen my life changed, I was no longer happy Cindy, I watched the life drain out of my family as i lay there in shock, happy Cindy died in that car crash... Now I was just a sad faced girl with a limp, the other girls made fun of me at first but i think they looked past that and saw the sadness in my eyes, no one would adopt a deformed child, at 18 I would be left to fend for my self beyond the walls of the orphanage, all i would ever get was pity. I stared out the window, watching the snow flakes fall, a tear rolled down my cheek. Xmas was wen I lost it all, so it didn't deserve my celebration. I let the tears flow freely as I drifted deeper into my sad world.

Hating that I don't hate you...

In the beginning there's always light, light so bright it blinds us... We take no notice hoping that what we can't see won't hurt us. How wrong we always are... I choose not to see the lipstick on your shirt, I choose not to see the messages on your phone, I choose not to hear and see the sly remarks and pitiful glances of others not blinded by the light, I choose you, because you are in the air I breath, you invade my 5 senses and create a 6th one in me, you arouse feelings in me I never knew I had, when i see you my heart beats at a speed that no human could possibly attain, you know how much power you wield over me and you use it. Soon enough the light dims, I gradually being to see everything and more, I realise that I can no longer turn away from the things you do, moving on without you is my only option. Yet I can't help smiling when I remember the memories we created, the breezy nights under the stars, the sunsets in your arms when I willed the sun to stay down forever, the lazy afternoons we talked exchanging parts of our lives and cherishing them... I try to provoke the hatred within me but it is to no avail, you are a part of me and will always be. I can't help but hate that I can't hate you...